Grocery Shopping on a Budget

TRICKS OF THE TRADE

I have come across a few tricks over the last few years in the ways of grocery shopping that I would like to share with you. Most of these tricks were developed while I was in college, but I still find myself using them today, mainly due to my financial state not improving at all since then.

Trick of the Trade #1: Stealing Cheese

It’s ok to steal cheese. It’s cheese. I’ve stolen cheese. All you do is slip it up your sleeve when you are walking around the store with it. It really helps if you are wearing a big winter coat or something that doesn’t have clingy sleeves. From there you can casually put your hands in your deep pockets and release the cheese into its new hiding place. Boom. You’re a thief. Welcome. Works great with string cheese or the little loaves. Don’t get greedy. The big bricks are not for you.

Trick of the Trade #2: Use the Scan It Yourself Lines

This can be sketchy, especially if there is a grocer hovering around making sure no one is trying to steal anything. Keep an eye out. Since things are weighed at this checkout, you can’t really add extra items without having scanned them, or weigh something half assed on the scale and expect it not to beep and yell at you when the weights don’t match. The only way to go about sneaking items past is to steal small things that aren’t that heavy. For example, a toothbrush. Grab the toothbrush with the same hand you are grabbing the item you will actually scan. Keep the toothbrush’s barcode facing away from the scanner. After you scan the bigger item, put both of them in the bag. This will fool the scanner. Now you are a bigger thief and the scanner is too busy thinking about hot boys to notice you.

Trick of the Trade #3:

Shop at a store that rhymes with Bled Fryer or one like it. They never care if the door alarm happens when you leave. I have been beeped at that store numerous times when I actually bought everything. Do the obvious turn around to make sure an employee sees you. Give a little shrug and kind of hold your bag out. They will wave you to just go on ahead. It’s always good to stop when the alarm happens. If you keep walking then you will look suspicious.

Trick of the Trade #4:

Become a fairly clean, glasses wearing white girl.



I am sounding like a serious shoplifter, when in reality, I’ve only stolen cheese two or three times. And a chap stick once. And one time at the Scan It Yourself, I chose to “skip bagging” and didn’t scan my hair dye. Just held it. I do not “endorse” shoplifting, but rather “suggest” that it is an option for you. If you get caught, you should not do it anymore. If you get caught, smile and say you forgot you were holding that twelve pack of toilet paper. Chances are you will be forgiven.